"Let me say categorically, I have never and will never steal anyone's valor," Walz stated, rubbing what looked like a homemade Purple Heart with his sleeve. "What I will do, however, is redistribute valor from over-privileged owners of valor, such as soldiers who have courageously risked their lives for their country in combat. I believe in an equitable distribution of valor, where I, who bravely and self-sacrificially allowed my beloved unit to go into battle without me so that I could make sure my political career didn't suffer, may receive just as many accolades as a war-wounded vet who actually served in the Middle East."

"Say it with me — tax the valor-rich!" Walz ended.