"We've buried the hatchet with Assange," said Attorney General Merrick Garland in a press conference. "He's cool with us now — in fact, we like him so much that we want to make sure he gets home in tip-top condition, which is why we're paying for his Boeing flight home. Nothing but the best for our pals, nothing but the best. He'll be totally safe as he soars home on that shiny new 737 — all the best and see you on the other side, Julian me lad!"

Assange has been assured that he will be in experienced hands as he travels, as Boeing has had plenty of experience taking care of people who release sensitive information which harms a larger organization.