"This is a major blow," said a Raytheon spokesperson. "We are deeply saddened by the news of Nikki Haley dropping out of the race. It is a dark day for us and for anyone who was hoping for a much darker future for the human race, and indeed the entire world. We have lowered our flags to half-staff in solemn memory of the dream we shared with Nikki Haley of endless wars and vast rivers of defense contract money."

In a brief statement, Haley also acknowledged disappointment that she would be unable to lead the country into a global conflict that would wreak havoc on human civilization.