When reached for comment, Xi expressed gratitude for the opportunity to serve. "Thank you for such a great honor," he said through an interpreter. "My years of experience in secretly overseeing elections in the United States will come in handy in my new role publicly overseeing elections in the United States. Starting out small in an area like San Francisco, which is basically a Chinese province, will let me get my feet wet before I expand my influence. Also, please continue using TikTok. Thank you."

At publishing time, authorities were investigating allegations that other members of the Elections Commission and their families had mysteriously disappeared.