"Wow. This makes our job so much easier," said FBI Domestic Extremism Investigator Chet O'Grady. "This morning our field offices across the country reported they had observed hundreds of people arriving at various suspected extremist locations, where some strange guy wearing robes marked them with ashes on their foreheads. Now we have thousands more suspects to monitor this year. Jackpot!"

The bizarrely marked potential insurgents will be monitored for terrorist activity, such as attending school board meetings and praying outside abortion clinics.