California Becomes First State to Ban Heterosexual Marriage

With a landmark piece of legislation, the state of California became the first state in the nation to ban heterosexual marriage.

The historic law, which effectively makes it illegal for a man and woman to be joined in holy matrimony, now defines marriage as a union between anyone other than a male and a female.

“This is a day that will be remembered forever,” said Governor Gavin Newsom in a statement celebrating the ban. “The last vestiges of oppressive normalcy are gone, and we can all be gay as Satan intended.”

The law was met with celebration by everyone still living in California, as they were all gay already.