“We feel some passengers might prefer a pilot who passed his check ride the first time around and has a few thousand flight hours in the military under his belt,” United Airlines spokesperson Susan Swanson said. “With everything in the news these days about doors flying off and engines spontaneously combusting, we figure passengers might at least like to know their pilot is one of those Sully Sullenberger-types with white hair who could land the plane in a river if the need arises.”

As of publishing time, an overwhelming one hundred percent of all airline passengers had paid for the upgrade, with a few customers expressing interest in an additional upgrade to ensure all of their flight attendants are straight, thin, perky blonde ladies with a slight southern accent and names like Pam or Darla.

[I’m earmarking a C-note for my next trip. — Ed]