Two guys walk into a travel agency in Perth Amboy, New Jersey. On the wall is a poster showing a tropical island, with palm trees and gorgeous young tourists laughing and cavorting around the pool—their gleaming cruise ship moored in the distance. A sign below the poster says, “Caribbean Cruise Package: $695.” The two guys nod at one another and one says, “No question. We’ll take two of those Caribbean packages.” The travel agent takes their money and then bashes both of them over the head with a blackjack, knocking them unconscious. Hours later, when they come to, they are lying on the deck of a garbage scow circling Staten Island. One guy says, “Man, my head hurts. I don’t remember a thing, but we musta drunk too many daiquiris or something.” The other guy says, “That’s weird. I don’t remember them serving daiquiris last year.”

In 2024, both of America’s political parties are out shopping for a second Caribbean cruise.