“My time has not yet come,” said DeSantis as he ably walked up a flight of stairs carrying a dozen pizzas. “I still have complete control of my mental and physical faculties.”

DeSantis launched his campaign with high hopes, only to see his poll numbers slide as voters began to realize he was not old and decrepit. “Everything he says makes sense, and I don’t like it,” said local man Gene Cummings. “I haven’t heard him confuse his mom and his wife a single time, and he can walk on flat surfaces effortlessly. He’s just not Presidential material.”

[In fairness, the American population does have more in common with the two likely nominees in terms of age … — Ed]