Breaking News from Maine:

Presidential hopeful banned from running in election

Oh, no, wait, sorry, my mistake – that’s Russia. In Maine, presidential hopeful Donald J Trump has also been banned from running in the election, but that’s no reason to confuse a great “constitutional republic” such as the former Soviet Union with the United States. For one thing, both countries are rife with “Sudden Adult Death Syndrome”, but in America its first symptom is not, as in Russia, that you find yourself accidentally falling out of an upper-floor window.

Still, would you really be surprised to see it come to that?

Trump Plunges from Mezzanine-Level Bathroom Window at Mar-a-Lago

He carelessly slipped on a classified document an FBI agent had accidentally dropped during the last raid.