The young boy by the name of Kevin McAllister was apparently home alone when the perpetrators attempted to sneak into the estate. McAllister sprang into action with a series of ingenious attacks, including blowtorches, paint cans, and a tarantula. “The child engaged in cruel, vicious behavior that could have seriously injured the two gentlemen known as the ‘Wet Bandits’ ,” said District Attorney Ansel Hayden. “McAllister literally smashed Marv’s face with an iron, when Marv wished nothing more than to rob McAllister’s family while doing the child serious bodily harm.”

[Yes, this is satire and it’s good satire, but it’s worth noting that booby-traps like some of those in “Home Alone” are not usually legal. Don’t try this at home, in other words. But it would probably still take a progressive “social justice” prosecutor to charge someone over it, unless it resulted in death. — Ed]