Given the light recently shed on the evils of “settler-colonialism” by our younger and more properly educated betters currently out in the streets waving the flag for Hamas, it seems like no American holiday so nakedly based on our settler forebears’ scraping by with the help of people they’d later wholly overawe was going to last long.

And honestly, I’m offended too. I’m offended by the whole damn racket, this business of people just up and conquering other people. I’ve had it up to here with the intolerable cruelties of the colonialist yoke, and speaking as a typically overeducated yet acceptably mainstream public commentator, I declare: It’s time to break with tradition. I’ve gotten “woke” myself. I now feel moved to write, with all the disgust and anger I can muster about this unworthiest of all races, “A Brief History of Settler-Colonialism.” For I reject humanity and all of its works. …

ome people think history started the year they were born; I, with my impressive galaxy brain, understand that history properly started the moment modern humans, bastards the whole lot of them, first departed from Africa during the Pleistocene Epoch somewhere around 58,000 b.c.

[I really got a laugh out of this, but be sure to read all the way down to the Nota Bene at the end. If you really detest settler-colonialism, there’s one country you should cheer. — Ed]