The Republican Party checked itself into a rehab facility this morning, having hit rock-bottom in the throes of its addiction to losing.

“Once we got that first taste of losing, we just couldn’t stop,” said Ronna McDaniel, Chairwoman of the Republican Party. “Next thing you know, you have to lose even bigger just to match the thrill of that first crushing defeat. It’s a vicious cycle.”

Over the last several years, friends have watched the Republican Party steadily descend into addiction, with one loss inevitably leading to dozens more. “The Republican Party kept saying it didn’t have a problem, that it could quit losing any time it wanted to,” said long-time acquaintance Dan Gould. “They even got clean for a few months here and there, like back in 2022 with that Virginia governor. But — they could never stay away for long.”