Unhinged terror has cast its evil shadow upon the quaint northern Portland neighborhood of Portsmouth in response to reports that several locals dressed up as a stable, happy, middle-class family.

“I get it. People love to be scary and provocative on Halloween — but this is a bit much!” said concerned neighbor Charlene Jannifer, herself dressed as a queer transgender steampunk witch. “Like, no one wants to see that when they walk through the neighborhood. It’s disturbing.”

The Swarnson family, who moved into the neighborhood just a month ago, are reportedly confused by the strong reaction to their appearance.

“These aren’t costumes,” explained John Swarnson, the family’s self-identified patriarch. “We’re just a normal family. We don’t even celebrate Halloween.”