The staff of the New York Times spent the morning patiently waiting by the computer, waiting for the call from Hamas to see what the terrorists would like to have printed on the front page today.

“No fingers on the keyboard until Hamas calls!” declared Chief Editor Joe Khan. “We don’t post a single word unless we’ve sourced it directly from the terrorists on the ground – understood?”

At long last, the Zoom app began ringing with a phone call from a Hamas spokesman. “Hello! Allahu Ackbar! Okay, what message do you guys want out there?” asked reporter Gene Okerlund. “Yes, yes, I know you want it to say ‘Death to Israel,’ but is there anything more specific you want? Any horrific atrocities you guys perpetrated by accident but want to pin on the Jews? Great! Oh yeah, we can inflate those death tolls. We’ll have the whole Middle East rioting in no time!”