“Let’s destroy some childhoods!” said screenwriter Greg Valentine. “We’ve been out of work for months, and I’ve spent the entire time coming up with some amazing ideas for deconstructing and tainting the legacies of pop culture’s most sacred and highly-regarded intellectual properties. You thought The Last Jedi was bad? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, folks!”

Fans around the globe shuddered in horror at the thought of an entire guild of writers being unleashed once again to pervert and sully their favorite franchises and characters. “Oh no, what are they going to do? What?!” asked terrified film fan Cody Callow. “I was hoping the strike would keep going longer than this. Haven’t they done enough damage? What’s next? A trans James Bond? Ethan Hunt renouncing his American citizenship in the next Mission: Impossible movie? Make it stop!”

[Come to think of it, we didn’t get another canon-busting Star Wars or didactic Marvel flick the last few months … — Ed]