“I am officially declaring that people criticizing me for stripping constitutional rights is a public health emergency,” she said when making the controversial announcement. “Due to the terrifying response to my second amendment decision, I am feeling really bad about myself and now have no choice but to suspend the First Amendment as well. So…you know…be quiet. QUIET!”

The assembled members of the media, now having the freedom of the press suspended, remained awkwardly silent for the duration of the press conference. “I’ll now open up the floor to anyone who has questions,” the governor said. “Oh, that’s right — I took away your right to speak! Haha! Whatcha gonna do now, huh? That’s right — nothing! Take that, losers!”

[Is this satire, or is it prophecy? — Ed]