The United States Secret Service concluded its investigation into the theft of hamburgers owned by notable clowned man Ronald McDonald after a full-scale search turned up no sign of the missing burger sack or a viable suspect. The Hamburglar was reportedly not questioned to avoid the appearance of profiling or discrimination.

“We looked all afternoon,” said Special Agent Eduardo Grimace, who spearheaded a joint task force with the assistance of Officer Big Mac. “Yes, I saw Hamburglar near the scene of the crime — and yes, he has a history of fast food larceny, but what am I supposed to do — question him? That’d be outrageous.”

“We may never know who stole McDonald’s hamburgers.”