Hey vegans, not to put you on a guilt trip (just kidding, let’s put you on a horrible guilt trip that you won’t be able to get out of your head), but when you sit down to eat that field greens salad, you’re actually murdering plants.

Don’t take my word for it. Take the word of Tel Aviv University which has studied the sounds emitted by plants when they’re being murdered by vicious vegans who think they’re saving the planet by their food choices, but they’re actually MURDERING kale plants for the sake of a glorious smoothie.

Stop and think of the sounds that poor defenseless kale must be making as it’s thrown into a blender so you can suck down a power smoothie after an exhaustive Peloton ride.

[Trolling aside, the study from TAU is actually fascinating. I won’t stop eating vegetables because of it, and neither should vegans, but it suggests a much deeper interaction in the biosphere than we have previously realized. However, it doesn’t negate faith- or ethics-motivated veganism, since animals also feel pain, and we all gotta eat *something*. — Ed]