Everyone agrees soccer is boring and America needs to fix it, but how? Here are ten simple ways to make soccer interesting, since the rest of the planet apparently remains intent on making us watch it every four years.

1. Goalies must be double amputees – no more scoreless draws! Any two limbs will do.

2. Supply one “enforcer” on each team with a taser – finally, the guy thrashing on the ground won’t be faking!

3. Add quicksand so that anyone who takes too long on a free kick gets sucked in – move or die.

4. Have a drunk hobo decide when each half starts and ends – bound to be more sensible than whatever the current system is.