But the most significant fissure was between black men and women. While some black women were made uncomfortable by the book, and the way it put them in the spotlight, many others embraced its message of empowerment. That was a message that not all black men wanted to hear. At one of my book talks in Washington DC, I worried a fight would break out between a young black woman who asserted her right to choose whatever type of man she wanted and an older black man who condemned such sentiments as betraying the race.

Other critics, including some black women, contended that white racism precluded black women from finding non-black partners. And this convinced many black women that they cannot (or should not) partner with a non-black man, even if the alternative was remaining unpartnered or in a bad relationship. As a result, many black women feel that they should “marry down” before they “marry out.”

I explained in the book why black women should not be pressured to sacrifice their own chances for happiness out of some misplaced loyalty to black men. Nor should black women feel beholden to black men under the guise of advancing the race. If the price of racial solidarity is a bad intimate relationship, then the cost is too high. Black women should not be held hostage to the struggles of black men.