If you thought the confusion over what gender a dog is couldn’t possibly be a story spanning two days, you’d be wrong, as on Tuesday morning, a Pentagon official told ABC News that Conan is actually female — only for the White House to maintain that no, really, Conan is male.

Perhaps the single most important story of our time finally came to a conclusion with a fifth update in the form of a statement from the Pentagon to BuzzFeed News confirming that, yes, Conan is male, meaning that after about a full 24 hours, we arrive back at exactly the same place we started and this has been a great use of everyone’s time.