I used to run treatment groups for sex offenders. At the time, my work actually made me less afraid. I genuinely liked many of the guys and knew they respected me, even felt protective of me. Walking home afterwards I felt a sense of security – false, perhaps – that I wouldn’t be attacked by a man who knew I had the phone number of his parole officer. I felt, and still feel, safe, comfortable, and at home around men.
anxy magazine illustration – man in window

But in other ways I’ve become more pessimistic. After reading about hundreds upon hundreds of victimizations, it begins to feel inevitable and unstoppable. Men seem to pose a terrible threat. My husband, my male colleagues, my friends – they all live in the same world with James, Jay, and the others I have to evaluate.

Professionally, though, I know different. Yes, a small percentage of men who commit sex crimes are incapable of empathy; or worse, take pleasure in the suffering of those they violate. But most sex offenders are not psychopaths. They are men raised in a horrible system – frequently having suffered trauma, or abuse, or both – who lack the tools to navigate their emotions, and end up traumatizing others as a result. Or they are men who have paraphilic desires – that is, recurrent, intense, distressing, arousing fantasies that involve objects, suffering, humiliation, children, or a lack of consent –but have too much shame to seek the help they need to make sure they don’t hurt other people.