Of the countless head-scratching elements of the O’Rourke phenomenon, one wins handily as the head-scratchingest of all: A troubling percentage of the Betomaniacs I have met in Texas moved here after fleeing places ruined by Beto’s favored policies. These locales are often expensive, increasingly dysfunctional, wildly overregulated, sometimes mystifyingly poop-ridden despite being wildly overregulated (here’s looking at you, San Francisco!), and inevitably run by Democrats. Why does no one seem to make this connection? I don’t know! One hero in Austin has taken to posting stickers around town featuring an image of a giant locust, paired with the following text: “I MIGRATED TO A THRIVING TEXAS FROM A LEFTIST [NIGHTMARE] AND NOW I’M VOTING FOR BETO FOR SENATE.” (The posters feature a word much worse than “nightmare,” which I’m not reprinting because I run a PG-13 column here.)

“But Heather,” you might be thinking. “Surely you must have seen the countless articles in national publications describing how annoying Ted Cruz is and how Beto O’Rourke is going to lead our generation in rising up above the terrible cynicism that dominates modern politics, acting as a bridge uniting and respecting the diverse voices of Texans as long as you join in lockstep support for things like abortion on demand, higher taxes, and a list of leftist hobbyhorses that drive out-of-state donors wild!”

Why yes, thanks, I have read those articles. I laugh every time!