The soulmate myth

These two assumptions — that before we marry we must know everything about our partner and have everything about ourselves sorted out too — are nonsense. They rest on fundamental misunderstandings of marriage, giving it at once far too much and far too little concern.

First, there is nothing you need to know before marriage that can only be learned by cohabitation. Do you have questions about your partner’s financial habits? Ask them. If they will not tell you all you need to know, you have a problem that living together can’t fix. Do you suspect you and your partner have different standards of cleanliness? Talk about it. Talk to their roommates. Visit their parents’ house and see how clean it is. These and any other questions about daily life are not that difficult to settle. Any basic premarital counseling (or even a good list-based discussion) will cover this stuff.

But the compatibility testing living together is supposed to achieve isn’t really about collecting information. It’s about whether we like what we find. Cohabitation says, “I like a lot of things about this person, and maybe if I find out I like everything, I’ll stick around.” It is an arrangement, not a commitment. Marriage is made of stronger stuff.