Why America needs thousands of political parties

Polling from the last election confirms that the average American is socially conservative and economically moderate. Neither political party serves their interests. Your choice right now is between the party that thinks your employer is under no obligation to give you a few weeks off when your child is born and the party that thinks you are a bigot because you define marriage the way that every human being did until roughly the time that Donkey Kong 64 was released. Which one are you going to pick?

This vast country of ours is full of charming minor political parties in need of your support. My own favorite is the, alas, defunct Royalist Party of America, whose laudable goals, if realized, would have saved us from the hassle of ever having to vote again, much less support another kleptocratic political organization. A close second is the American Solidarity Party, which is attempting to become the first American counterpart to the Christian Democratic parties that have existed in every European country since the end of the Second World War.