All I watch is trash

Say I’ve just spent a day asking members of Congress what they would do if the president fires the special counsel investigating him, his campaign, and his family. It’s not like, at the end of this day, I’m going to rush home to make that fourth or fifth stab at Finnegan’s Wake. No, I’m going to rush home to watch, say, the Travel Channel’s Food Paradise, a program that showcases people eating unhealthy food at restaurants around the country. There are themes to each hourlong episode: Steak Paradise, Cheese Paradise, Pizza Paradise, etc. An overbearing ham of a voice actor narrates. You know that quasi-numb feeling you get in your extremities after eating McDonald’s? You get that feeling watching Food Paradise. I have seen almost every episode. “Look at that CHEESY GOODNESS!” the narrator says when some concoction of cheese and cheese fat layered atop pork and cheese sauce and bacon comes out of the oven. “Holy cow,” I say, brain-dead and laughing. The joke is that I loathe myself.

Aside from watching people eat junk food, I also enjoy watching people purchase real estate. Though there’s an embarrassing amount of junk-food-eating content on cable television, it’s a drop in the bucket compared to the real estate offerings. Turns out there have been a full 139 seasons of HGTV’s House Hunters, the anchor of the genre.

Because I would lose my congressional press pass if I screamed at all of the senators and members of Congress I want to scream at during the workday, I take that aggression out on televised couples purchasing real estate.