Top conservative predictions for the rest of 2017

TAX REFORM WILL DIE IN THE SENATE (Confidence Factor: 70%)

There’s no way the McCain-Collins-Corker-Flake Axis of Obnoxious is going to allow Trump his long-sought victory. These bitter losers will let it get right up to the edge of passage, and then run to find a microphone and shovel up a load of horse hockey about why, as True Conservatives™, they can’t possibly support this conservative reform. They are petty, selfish, and obnoxious, which is why they are the media’s go-to Republicans and Chuck Schumer’s not-so-secret weapon. If you don’t think they would eagerly shaft millions and millions of Americans just to try and mess with Trump, I would sell you a bridge, except no bridge is going to get built because they will block the infrastructure bill too.

On the upside, as a blue state lawyer, I’m going to save tens of thousands thanks to these idiots’ showboating while their constituents keep getting socked in the gut. Way to go, jerks.