By focusing on keeping the sacrifice of a Gold Star family sacred, I think Kelly missed the point of this last week’s distress. There is literally nothing a president can say or do to salve the grief of a parent or spouse who has lost a loved one serving their country. Nothing can rightly acknowledge or even measure the hole in their lives—no phone call or letter, not the benefits or life insurance provided by the Department of Defense, not even a personal $25,000 check offered to a grieving father. We shouldn’t fool ourselves into thinking there is a “right” way mitigate to their loss, though that shouldn’t stop us from trying.

The commander in chief and his key advisers have a duty to these men and women in uniform. The practice is complicated, but at heart it is simple: to do their utmost to define missions that will entail risks, but which have a purpose that the people in these positions own. When the worst happens, their job is to take on the pain grieving families as an accounting for the decisions they made that cost the lives of young Americans.