Using this advice, my two hackers delivered an 18,000-word document of humiliations three weeks later. People who say that those with nothing to hide shouldn’t be afraid of being hacked are, it turns out, idiots like me. While I have nothing to hide from the world in my emails, I have a lot to hide from any given person I am talking about behind their back in email. Which is nearly the world.

Anonymous Hackers One and Two found very mean emails I’d written about a family member who I think is self-pitying. I called a good friend, who I don’t think is crazy, “crazy.” Some emails would be devastating if they were made public simply because of their lack of context, including, “Remember Barbie Kean and the trunk of your car?” And people would know that Mindy Kaling didn’t return my email. Twice.

But the information I’d feel most horrible about potentially being made public were other people’s secrets: people’s affairs, mutual friends who dislike each other, my son’s issues at school, complaints after parents’ visits, friends who voted for Trump, the fact that the radio host Mancow is a “highly unpleasant human being.” And my wife forwards me a lot of emails from friends who tell her horrible stuff about their boyfriends. She also mentions things she wouldn’t want to share publicly, about cosmetic procedures she’s had done or medical issues she’s dealing with. I am divulging this so that she, too, is now immunized against being hacked. You’re welcome, honey.