Conservatives should give up and let liberals enact a just society


The downside: The nation’s borders are abolished. The population of Syria is relocated to the Deep South, except for Syrian Christians and Yazidis, who are left behind with 18 boxes of novelty White House M&Ms and a “condolences” card signed by a State Department intern using the acting deputy assistant secretary’s autopen. Maps containing solid lines demarcating where the United States ends and Mexico begins are confiscated, shredded, and used as confetti for the inauguration party of President Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán in 2020.

Anyone who speaks a language other than Spanish, Arabic, or New England-accented English is forcibly removed to ISIS-controlled territory by the new Department of Homeland Security, Social Justice, and Gender Equality. Possession of the American flag is prohibited, unless it is being carried to or from a public burning.

The upside: Sporting events are no longer preceded by the national anthem, thus allowing spectators an additional two minutes to consume the tofu treats now sold exclusively at every game or contest.