Which brings me to 2016 and my endorsement for president. Only one candidate can unite us all in a way George W. Bush and Barack H. Obama could not. You’ve probably already guessed who I have in mind. But just in case you haven’t, it’s the Sweet Meteor O’Death, or, as he’s known on Twitter, @Smod2016.

I shouldn’t call SMOD a “he,” for as an inanimate hunk of ice and rock hurling towards our planet, SMOD has no sex. (In these gender-confused times, that in itself should be a selling point.) Hate the “1 percent”? SMOD will erase all income inequality. Under SMOD, America will have no industrial carbon emissions, and the Islamic State will be crushed. Hateful speech will be silenced, and no gay wedding cakes will be baked. SMOD has no super PAC and takes no money from unions. SMOD already has the only endorsement it requires: the cold impersonal law of gravity.

So if you want to end the messy bickering and negativity once and for all, SMOD is the candidate for you. Otherwise, expect more of the same in 2016 and beyond.