This is simply wrong. If someone shows up at your Thanksgiving with an apple pie, you should throw them out of your home immediately. Apple pie has no place at Thanksgiving.

Yes, yes, I know; apple pie is supposedly Americana incarnate. But the saying “as American as apple pie” is absurd, because apple pie is not very American at all. Apples grow everywhere in the world, and virtually every culture came up with apple pie before we did. What’s more, most other cultures’ versions of apple pie are better than ours. Consider France’s tarte tatin, which is caramelized and al dente where American apple pie is bland and goopy. I know you know, in your heart of hearts, that apple pie is nowhere near the best pie America has to offer.

But even if you like apple pie—even if you hold the naïve, jingoistic belief that apple pie is a great pie—it still doesn’t belong at the Thanksgiving table. There are three main reasons for this…