I am still angry that no one really helped me. And since reading about Sutherland’s murder, during which his fellow passengers huddled at either end of the train car while he was stabbed and beaten to death, I can’t stop thinking about what I might have done in their shoes. How long did Sutherland’s agony go on for? Did he scream for help? What could the other passengers have done? What are the chances that Sutherland could have survived if someone had done something?

At work, reading the coverage at my desk, I think, “I could have stopped it with my pepper spray.” I would like to think that I’d have sprung into action. That I would have been willing to put myself in harm’s way. So does a writer for the Federalist, declaring that the 10 eyewitnesses displayed “not just cowardice but also a callous and unthinking selfishness.” The title of his piece: “Behold, the Beta Males Who Feel Good About Watching a Man Die.”

But in real life, I don’t want—no one wants—to get hurt. Despite my own experience and my lingering fury at the inaction of those around me, I’m not sure I would have acted any differently from those 10 eyewitnesses. If I’d been in that train car, I might have felt just like the woman who tried to become as small as possible. I might have been paralyzed with fear.