Seven out of 10 men, this survey claims, name their penis. We are unreliably informed that 72% of men go for a masculine name for their penis, such as Hercules or Troy, while the remainder opt for a wacky identity such as “Russell the Muscle”. The bravado of any man prepared to risk a joke name for his penis has to be fleetingly admired, but the desperate awfulness of naming it after an ancient warrior has all the predictability of a used-car showroom. Just as Mitsubishi aren’t really selling a hereditary military commander from the days of Japanese feudalism, so your pants don’t contain a divine hero capable of slaying a nine-headed hydra or cleaning out the Augean stables in a limited timeframe.

But at least Hercules is the name of a person. Imagine telling someone that you’d named your penis after the 20th-century battleship the Dreadnought, only to later explain that no, it isn’t named for its heavy-calibre weaponry, turbo-propulsion or wartime reliability, it’s just a cool name for a part of your body you feel awkward enough about to name. If you truly wanted a name that suggested durable, memorable enjoyment with a satisfying conclusion, your penis would be named Breaking Bad, but it isn’t on the list. Instead, at number three, we have The Rock. I have thought about it for five minutes, and I don’t understand what Gibraltar did to deserve this.