How Republican is Whole Foods? I used an app to find out

And everything was like this. A box of Nature’s Path Organix Flax with Red Berries? 44.75% Republican. A bottle of Meyer’s 2x Lemon Verbena Laundry Detergent? 50.5% Republican! A bottle of Newman’s Own Olive Oil, straight from the vineyards of lifelong Democrat Paul Newman himself? 94.5% Republican!

“Uh, sir, can I help you finding anything?” a puzzled Whole Foods employee asked me as I sat cross-legged in the middle of an aisle, muttering to myself while scanning products with my iPhone and then hurling them in a dramatic arc behind me. But he couldn’t, no matter how many times I shook him by the lapels, thrusting my iPhone in his face and screaming, “WHERE’S THE DEMOCRAT AISLE?” over and over again. I am pleased to report, however, that Whole Foods’ crackerjack security team was very helpful in making sure that my front teeth met the curb outside. Nice chaps.