You’ve mastered the SAT, so you can describe yourself as laconic and decorous. But classmates will get pugilistic if you don’t know how to speak P.C. They’ll refer to people by pronouns like zie and hir, and describe a friend as a POC.

If all this leaves you tongue tied, follow this guideline: Don’t be a jerk.

It’s early yet, but before you know it your home away from home will be embroiled in a controversy that will leave your outraged classmates hyperventilating and throwing up online petitions. Perhaps a Republican speaker was allowed onto campus.

Go find the ink-stained wretches. They’ll be pale and perhaps horizontally challenged from eating cold pizza late at night in the newsroom. Skip the petitions and ask for a column.

And if anyone accuses you of insensitivity? Well, they’re just privileging their narrative.