Joel McHale's eight WHCD low blows

6) And CNN is desperately searching for something they’ve been missing for months—their dignity. At this point, CNN is like the Radio Shack at a sad strip mall. You don’t know how it stayed in business this long, you don’t know anyone who shops there. And they just fired Piers Morgan.

7) I’m not going to spoil the shocking twist on “House of Cards,” but just know that it was so surprising that Nancy Pelosi’s face almost changed expression. Did you like that one, Nancy? I can’t tell.

8) What’s our biggest concern as Americans? TV show spoilers! In other countries a spoiler consists of, “Hey, I haven’t been back to the village yet, so don’t tell me who survived the drone strike. No spoilers!”