1. YOU ARE NOT AN UNDECIDED VOTER!

Mr. or Ms. America, I don’t know how you were picked for this forum, but there’s no way on earth you truly do not know who you are voting for in November. Maybe you are like my grandmother, who always knew exactly what she was going to do on any given day, but loved mulling all sorts of alternatives just in case she decided not to go shopping downtown for once in her life. Or maybe you just wanted to get on TV and mimic that “oh so concerned” look that you see reporters perfecting whenever they talk about “real” issues. Usually we can tell from your question if you are secretly for Obama or Romney. You are not fooling anyone. Also: you definitely do not represent me, so please don’t at any point claim that you do.

2. GET A CLUE!

Inevitably someone is going to ask Romney or Obama some version of the following: how have you been personally affected by the economic downturn? Here’s the answer: they haven’t! Obama and Romney are MILLIONAIRES. Your humble moderator is also doing pretty well, and so are all the people who are going to be on TV talking about your question later in the evening. And yes, unless someone whispered it in their ear as they headed on stage, chances are neither Romney nor Obama knows the price of milk, or how much it costs to buy bread, or the average grocery bill. That alone does not make them monsters.