We are a nation that loves NASCAR, so we can celebrate two of the greatest American inventions of all time — the automobile and the mullet — in all their unbridled glory. That’s winning at driving. And hair.

We are a nation that loves hunting, because it doesn’t count if someone else kills your food. That’s winning at eating.

We are a nation that loves Toby Keith, because his ode to the red Solo cup got 16 million views on YouTube. That’s just winning at life.

Maybe you don’t enjoy the same stuff I do. Maybe you prefer baseball, Beyoncé and beekeeping. But I’m sure whatever you like, it’s because you like winning. Unless you like veggie burgers. In which case I’m sorry, but you’re not winning.