What Romney, Cain, Gingrich, and Perry taught me about sex and settling down

A few years later, my girlfriend Brandy (think Salma Hayek) left me for my buddy Harry, who was in the Marines (apparently this got him in pretty good physical shape?). I don’t feel too bad about that one, mainly because he stuck with the military and with Brandy. I think they have a couple of kids now; a few months ago, I saw pictures of them online saying goodbye as he went off to Afghanistan or some godforsaken place. (She now looks nothing like Salma Hayek.) How can I hold a grudge?

These experiences taught me several valuable lessons—most importantly—if you even think somebody is cheating on you, they are. I saw this with Angie and Jason as they began spending a lot of time together on weekends (while I toiled away, working endless shifts at Anders 40 West Amoco in Frederick, Maryland). I tried to rationalize it (“she doesn’t have that many friends!”) I naively told myself.

As you might expect, these experiences helped me realize that I am generally a sap. We are all saps. Look at what happened when Politico came forward with accusations that Herman Cain had had sexual harassment claims filed against him at the National Restaurant Association. As a rule, the first instinct of Republican voters and center-right journalists was to blame the media. But just like me with Angie (and Brandy), it should have been obvious that something was up.