Romneymania sweeps America

During a stop in Tampa, FL earlier this week, Romney was seen whipping a crowd of thousands into a delirious frenzy with his beloved, decade-old talking points about how he is not a career politician. The candidate reportedly inspired optimism and confidence by explaining he “never actually supported an individual mandate for health insurance at the federal level,” a battle cry that prompted the audience to chant his name for five straight minutes.

In a moment his supporters called “genuine” and “down-to-earth,” Romney then told the crowd that he, too, is currently unemployed and truly understands the fear of being laid off.

“It’s amazing to hear your deepest convictions articulated so poignantly by a politician,” said out-of-work Denver resident Austin Matthews, 36, admitting he had never before encountered a candidate—or any human being, for that matter—who had connected with him on such a basic emotional level. “He comes right out and says that any acknowledgment of income inequality in the United States is driven solely by bitterness and envy from the lower classes and shouldn’t even be discussed publicly. It’s like he’s tapped directly into the soul of everyday Americans.”

“Mitt Romney is the voice of our generation,” Matthews added.