The uses of Charlie Sheen

3. As Secret Superhero of the Id

Profoundly influential yet puzzling.

At a time when few of us know first-hand exactly what Total Self-Gratification would constitute if our means and our access to party supplies were infinite, we are left to infer from Sheen’s aftermath appearance — from the graven lines around his mouth and the very small holes in the center of his pupils where the ‘twinkle’ used to go — what it’s like to do everything you want to anyone you want to do it to in a safe and luxurious environment while you’re the highest you can be. It’s fun to imagine what Sheen felt, that is, and what it felt like (at one time) to be Sheen. It’s a way to connect with our orgiastic selves. It’s a way to not have to pretend that cocaine feels bad and that meaningless sex, by meaning whatever we want it to, isn’t in fact the most meaningful sex of all.

The problem, though, is that when you look at him, you get this distinct weird feeling that Charlie Sheen is the only person in the whole universe incapable of actually enjoying, actually getting off on in a deep way that really sticks to the neurons afterward, the myriad pleasures of Homo Malibu that were formerly open to Charlie Sheen.