For all the effort we’ve put into fighting for the right to do it, the dirty little secret is that many gays are simply not sure about same-sex marriage. Of course we believe in equality. But when it comes to marriage, our personal relationship with the idea is tenuous. Growing up in a society where most of the marriages around me failed bitterly or were one of multiple (because the only thing better than one “special day” is five), I’m turned off by the whole idea.

Dan Dinero, a PhD-candidate from New York City, has a partner who is a non-U.S. citizen. “The main thing for me is finding a way for Diego to live in the U.S. with me,” he says. “I don’t think we should have to get married to do that. And that is the problem with gay marriage: it forces queers to fit into a very straight-centered way of life in order to access basic rights.”

The religious implications of marriage are one of the deterring issues for Meredith Cummings, a graduate student in environmental studies who has been in a domestic partnership for two years. “It really gets to me when gay couples try to have a traditional wedding, especially in a religion that doesn’t support homosexuality,” she says.