"They have poop on the coffee table"

New research has just confirmed the old suspicion that the residences of single men are among the most foul in the land. But things are far grungier than random socks dangling from lampshades or towers of crusty dishes teetering in sinks. After testing for germs on four common surfaces — TV remotes, coffee tables, nightstands and doorknobs — scientists learned that bachelor pads contain 15 times the amount of bacteria than do the homes of bachelorettes.

Ready to really get down and dirty in the singles scene? Seven of every 10 coffee tables checked at the guys’ places harbored coliforms — a variety of bacteria abundant in the feces of warm-blooded animals. Yes, feces. To help put this filthy finding in true laboratory lingo, we turn to the study’s leader, Dr. Charles Gerba.

“They have poop on the coffee table,” Gerba said.