An ode to the Hummer

Having a Hummer is stupid. It’s stupid to waste that much gas. It’s stupid to waste that much money on gas. It’s stupid to parade your insecurities on public roads. Hummers are stupid looking. You don’t need an attack vehicle for the Krispy Kreme drive through. My wife and I saw Adrien Brody in a Hummer at the Beverly Hills Four Seasons and it made him seem less like an eccentric pianist and more like a…Hummer. When Carrot Top came by my house to do my radio show, he drove up in a Hummer. It fit well with his big muscles. I have a friend who made his father turn around and take his new Hummer right back to the lot. My friends have to be able to take a great deal of embarrassment, but even they have to draw the line somewhere.

Hummers are stupid and wasteful and if they go away because no one wants to buy one, that’ll be just a little sad. It’s always a little sad to lose some stupid. I love people doing stupid things that I’d never do—different stupid things than all the stupid things I do. It reminds me that although all over the world we humans have so much in common, so much love, and need, and desire, and compassion and loneliness, some of us still want to do things that the rest of us think are bug-nutty. Some of us want to drive a Hummer, some of us want to eat sheep’s heart, liver and lungs simmered in an animal’s stomach for three hours, some us want to play poker with professionals and some of us want a Broadway musical based on the music of ABBA. I love people doing things I can’t understand. It’s heartbreaking to me when people stop doing things that I can’t see any reason for them to be doing in the first place. I like people watching curling while eating pork rinds.