Hail to the victors!

Now, I know that our two nations have had our differences in the past, and so it would be totally understandable if some of you were possibly upset my previous statements expressing “troubled concern” and “measured consternation” over your current situation. Please, do not interpret those statements as somehow taking one side or the other. I was not trying to be provocative or inflammatory, and far be it from me to interfere or play favorites. As we say over here in the Great Satan, “I don’t have a dog in this fight,” and so I was merely “calling ’em like I see ’em.” Frankly, if America is going to regain respect as a geopolitical superpower, we need to make the tough call to sit quietly on the sidelines. That’s why I have instructed my diplomatic team remain strictly neutral and to “let ’em play.” With time and patience, I hope you will come to think of us as a bigger, flatter version of Switzerland. With less yodeling.