I’ll be making only one, completely horrifying resolution this year. Not only do I plan to regularly eat cheap, salt-infested, cheese- drenched meat products, but I also plan on washing them down with various brands of needlessly sugary beverages.

I may even drive my car an extra few miles when in Oregon, even after that state passes an Orwellian measure that tracks me with a GPS system to tax my mileage and induce me to take a train.