Somebody should really tell the Brits about this since they’re currently working on outlawing sex between people who don’t live under the same roof. Rather than giving up on intercourse entirely, perhaps you’ll all be fine if you just wear your facemask while getting romantic. Or at least that’s the conclusion reached in one new study. If you’re planning on getting busy with someone, your safest bet is to only do it with a person who is quarantined with you in the same residence. But if you’re unfortunate enough to be locked down without a consenting partner and have to look elsewhere for love, bring your facemask… and a bunch of other stuff. (NY Post)

Safe sex during the coronavirus pandemic might soon require protection beyond just the nether regions.

A new study from researchers at Harvard University says that hooking up carries some risk for transmitting COVID-19 from one partner to the other and recommends — among other practices — wearing a face mask while doin’ it.

The research, published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, ranked frisky situations based on how likely it is to catch coronavirus while in the act. Researchers recommend wearing a mask for the riskiest sexual scenario: Sex with people other than those with whom one is quarantined.

After offering the obligatory disclosure that I’m not a doctor, I’ll just say that something about this really doesn’t check out. From the research that’s been released thus far, it does indeed seem that coughing sneezing and breathing seem to be the primary ways to transmit the disease. But those can’t be the only ways, right? A blood transfusion would do the trick quite efficiently, or so I would imagine. And vaginal transudate is composed primarily of blood plasma. (I’ll leave you to Google that if you want or need to.) I’m not so sure about sweat, but that sounds kind of risky as well.

So is a mask really providing you with that much extra protection? I mean, if you plan on getting undressed and rolling around between the sheets with another human being, it just seems as if you should pretty much count on picking up any infectious diseases they might be carrying, mask or no mask. But the study goes even further in its list of precautions.

The study’s authors go on to say that you should avoid kissing. You should also skip out on any form of oral sex “and anything else that involves semen or urine.” I don’t think you have to worry too much about your evening plans involving urine (but hey… I’m not judging if yours do), but as for the rest of it? We’re basically being told to put on a mask (and I assume a condom for the guys) but don’t do anything involving saliva, semen, blood or basically any fluids in either of your bodies. Not to put too fine of a point on this, but we’re still talking about sex, right?

Well…. maybe not. After you make your way through all of these confusing guidelines and advisories, the study drops this general rule of thumb on you.

The safest approach to sexual activity, according to the researchers, is not having any. Abstinence, they say, is “low risk for infection, though not feasible for many.” Another option, they add, is masturbation.

If you found all of that too confusing or simply unhelpful, may I suggest that you turn to the Oregon Health Authority’s guide to sex during the COVID-19 era? But I should warn you in advance that it has graphics and involves things including “fleshlights” and, for some reason, peaches.