Get off my lawn.

Now that we’ve got that bit of business out of the way, on to the latest news of how millennials are destroying America. Caitlin Gibson at the Washington Post digs into a recent survey of social practices which shows that millennials are doing away with traditional Thanksgiving dinner preparations and “mixing things up” at the feast table. And yes… it’s every bit as horrific as it sounds.

If your holiday plans include friends or relatives from the millennial generation, odds are high that you might find a few less-than-traditional dishes on the Turkey Day menu: A recent Yahoo Food survey of more than 1,000 Americans age 18 and older showed that 20- and 30-somethings are driving a Thanksgiving dinner (r)evolution…

But what does this mean for a holiday steeped in tradition? It may mean pork instead of turkey, or more vegetarian options, or new twists on time-honored staples. Millennials (anyone currently age 18 to 34, per the Pew Research Center) are more likely to offer up more healthful versions of traditionally gluttonous recipes…

Andrew Kohout, 33, of Laytonsville, Md., and his wife are hosting one Thanksgiving dinner and attending another, so non-traditional entrees such as ham (and Tofurky and smoked turkey) have found their way onto the family menu to avoid repetition, he says.

We can’t allow that last paragraph to slide past without hitting the brakes and confirming something for you: yes. She said Tofurky. Does that sound like something out of a Friday the Thirteenth movie to you? Well, no matter what you may be picturing in your mind right now… it’s even worse.


Tofurky is the brand name of an American vegetarian turkey replacement made from a blend of wheat protein and organic tofu. Tofurky is a trademark of Turtle Island Foods, a company based in Oregon.

That’s not a dinner option, people. It’s a war crime.

The WaPo article also points out that more and more millennials are doing away with cranberry sauce. Seriously. Why don’t you just move to Iran? There’s plenty of room for debate in the ages old cranberry sauce battle, don’t get me wrong. Some are aficionados of the loose sauce with the whole berries in it. As for me, I like the compact cranberry jelly that retains the shape of the can so you can slice it into delicious little hockey puck shapes. (And anything you can slice at the same time as the turkey is a winner.)

Listen, you rotten young punks, there shall be a bird. There shall be cranberry sauce. There shall be two sorts of stuffing. (The kind you bake separately in a baking dish and the really good stuff you put inside the bird.) There shall be mashed potatoes. And you bet your backside there needs to be gravy. If you can’t figure out how to make proper gravy out of the juice in the bottom of the turkey pan, hire somebody’s grandmother to explain it to you. Don’t try serving that stuff from a jar. It’s awful.

If you want to freestyle a bit, do it with the side veggies. Broccoli, cauliflower, green beans, yams… it’s all good. And if you’re a special snowflake vegan you can just eat those while the rest of us eat the actual dinner.

Alright… I’m done now. Run along and get ready. Tomorrow is the big day and you’ve got a ton of prep work to do.